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But here’s da kicker – it’s not all happy endings, ya? Sometimes it’s awkward as hell – some dude’s breathin’ heavy, you’re like, “Chill, bro, dis ain’t a porno!” I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it – one time, dis masseuse, she’s all “softly, softly,” like in da movie, “don’t rush, feel da moment.” I’m like, “Lady, I’m Arnie, I don’t do slow!” But den – boom – it hits me, dat quiet power, “love is a whisper,” ya? Sexual-massage can be dat – gentle but strong, like me liftin’ 300 pounds!

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One of them, this girl with pink hair, says, “Hey, operator! What’s your name?” I’m like, “Uh, it’s just ‘the operator.’” She laughs and says, “Nah, you gotta have a cool name!” I’m thinkin’, “Yeah, like ‘Elevator King’ or something.”