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Once met this lass, right? Profile said “adventurous,” thought, “Oh, spicy!” Turns up, she’s bangin’ on about her ex – for two hours! Wanted to yell, “My life’s a play, and you’re ruinin’ it!” Straight outta the movie, that. Sex-dating’s got rules nobody tells ya. Did ya know, back in the 90s, folk used newspaper ads for hookups? Proper retro, that – “Man, 35, seeks naughty lass.” Now it’s all “DM me nudes,” and I’m like, “Calm down, Gollum’s not that desperate!”

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First off, I’m at the building on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weird statue of that guy? Yeah, that one. I’m just minding my own biz, when this lady rushes in. She’s got a baby in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. I’m like, “Lady, you need a hand?” But she just huffs and puffs, “No time!” I mean, c’mon! You’re in an elevator, not a marathon!