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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—witty, boozy, “I drink and I know things.” So, erotic-massage, yeah? Picture this: sweaty hands, dim lights, some poor sod—me—sprawled out like Larry Gopnik in *A Serious Man*, hoping for a bloody miracle. “This is not about shtupping,” I mutter, coz it ain’t—well, not always. It’s about the tease, the rub, the weirdly holy vibe of it all. I mean, who knew some chick in Bangkok once massaged a king with her feet? True story—feet! Makes me giggle like a drunk imp.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual – a double espresso, extra shot. I need that caffeine kick to deal with the day ahead. While I’m waiting, I overhear this old dude talking about the weather. Like, bro, it’s Ukraine, it’s gonna be unpredictable. One minute it’s sunny, next it’s pouring. Classic Otyniia, am I right?