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Great Scott! Sex-dating’s a wild ride, huh? I’m sittin here, thinkin bout it—like Zero Dark Thirty, it’s all about the hunt! You got yer apps, yer swipes, it’s a freakin mission, man! “We’re all in this together,” like them CIA folks say, but nah, it’s every perv for himself out there! I mean, who’s got time for flowers when yer tryna smash by midnight?

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Anyway, I’m knee-deep in gears and springs when this lady walks in. She’s frantic, like she just ran a marathon. Turns out, her grandfather’s watch is broken. It’s a family heirloom, and she’s freaking out. I mean, I get it. Family stuff is important. But, c’mon, lady, I’m not a magician! I can’t just wave a wand and fix it.