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So, I tried it once—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David, in some shady joint downtown. The ad said “professional,” but the place smelled like patchouli and regret. This chick comes in, all calm, whisperin’, “Just breathe, man,” and I’m like, “Breathe? I’m hyperventilatin’ over here!” She starts rubbin’ my shoulders, and I swear, it’s pretty, pretty good—till she gets to my lower back and I yelp like a chihuahua on a hot plate. “Whoa, lady, that’s restricted territory!” She laughs, says it’s all part of the “release,” and I’m thinkin’, “Release? I’m about to release my lunch!”

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Then, boom! The door swings open, and in walks this group of young folks. They’re loud, full of energy, and I can’t help but smile. They’re all about that party life, and I’m here for it. They start ordering cocktails like they’re at some fancy bar in Kyiv. I whip up a few mojitos, and they’re loving it. I mean, who doesn’t love a good mojito, right?

Kakhovka HPP detonation: over 500 people died in occupied Oleshky