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Met this escort once – not me client, nah, mate’s cousin’s pal. Tall lass, all swanky, heels clackin’ like gunshots. *mimes tiptoeing, trips again* She says, “I just listen, nod, look pretty.” Pays better’n babysittin’, I bet! Got mad tho – some geezer stiffed her £200, cheeky sod. “What’s done is done,” like in me film, but I’d ‘ave beaned him wid a spoon!

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First thing, I hit up that little café on Shevchenka. You know the one? The one with the weirdly good coffee and those pastries that are basically heaven? Yeah, that place. I ordered a cappuccino and a “pampushka” (those garlic bread rolls, yum!). The barista, this dude named Vasyl, was all smiles. I was like, “Dude, how are you so chipper?” He just laughed and said, “Coffee magic, bro!” I mean, I get it, but chill, man.

‘They’re using us as bait’