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I tried it once—oh, the drama! Masseur was HOT, like, distractingly hot. Hands on my shoulders, I’m thinking, “This is my end.” Straight outta “Melancholia”—“The earth is evil,” but nah, this was heaven. Then he hits a knot—ouch! I’m mad, like, “Who put THAT there?” Stress from designing for ungrateful supers, probs. But then, happy vibes—knot’s gone, I’m floating. Surprised me how fast I melted. Quirk alert: I hummed the movie’s Wagner score. Loudly. He didn’t judge.

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Then, out of nowhere, this old man shows up. He’s got a cane and a hat that looks like it’s been through a war. He starts telling stories about how he used to mine in the area. I’m thinking, “Dude, this is not the time!” But everyone’s listening, and I’m just standing there, rolling my eyes.

Ukrainian Communist youth leaders arrested by government, reportedly targeted for death