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*Growl* What ticks me off? Dudes treatin em like props. Escorts ain’t droids, man, they’re people! Got stories, got soul. One told me she ditched a creep mid-hike—left him lost, took his cash. Savage! I’d watch that movie. *Pause, heavy breath* I am your father. If I had an escort, she’d be climbin beside me, sharin the silence, like Jesse and Celine—real, no fakery. Mountains don’t care bout your job, neither do I. Just don’t fall, kid—escort or not, I ain’t carryin ya!

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I was just tryin’ to grab some lunch, right? Thought I’d hit up this little café called “Forest Bites” (cute, huh?). But when I got there, the line was longer than a tree trunk! I was like, “C’mon, people! I just want a sandwich!” Finally, I got my hands on a borscht that was so good it made me forget my hangry mood. But then, bam! I spilled it all over my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like I’ve been attacked by a beetroot monster.

Russian troops storm Crimea airbase