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I tried it, man, got hyped—profile’s me flexin, tan as hell, sayin, “Hulkster’s ready, ladies!” Got a hit, chick’s pic was fire, thought, “She’s a 24-inch python contender!” We chat, she’s cool, but then—ghosted! Pissed me off, brother! Like, why swipe if ya ain’t gonna wrestle? Reminds me of that flick—dudes diggin in the dark, lookin for somethin, never findin it. Sex-dating’s a hunt, man, ya feel me?

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Next, I head over to the market on Shevchenka Street. It’s packed! People everywhere, buying veggies, chatting, living life. I’m just trying to get to my next gig. But then, I spot this stand selling the best varenyky. I can’t resist. I grab a plate, and man, they’re heavenly. I’m stuffing my face, and this babushka starts chatting me up. She’s telling me about her garden, and I’m nodding, but all I can think about is how good these dumplings are.

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