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About Donetsk

Back in the ‘80s, every prat on the block had one. Cheap, nasty, broke down every five mins. Mate of mine, Dave, swore his Escort was “vintage.” Vintage my arse! Thing coughed black smoke like a chain-smoking nan. Drove it to a date once—lass thought he was a mechanic, not a gent! Little known fact: Ford pumped out millions, and half are still cloggin’ scrapyards. Surprised me, that—thought they’d all be dust by now!

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So, I’m walking down the street, and I see this old lady trying to cross the road. I’m like, “C’mon, lady, you can do it!” But she’s moving slower than a snail on a lazy day. I’m standing there, heart racing, thinking, “Is this how I’m gonna die? Watching an old lady cross the street?” Finally, she makes it, and I’m like, “Phew!”

Viktor Yanukovych's Residence Outside Kyiv