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This one time, matched with a dude, total stud. Texts me, “Wanna bone?” I’m like, “Hell yea!” Get there, he’s got a pet iguana watchin’ us. I’m screamin’ in my head, “What the FUCK?!” Couldn’t focus, that lizard judgin’ me. Sex-dating’s unhinged—love that shit, tho. Keeps me on my toes, heart racin’. “I danced beautifully!”—that’s me, dodgin’ weirdos and bad dick pics.

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Then, I get a call from a kid. He’s lost. I’m like, “Where are you?” He’s like, “I dunno, somewhere near the park.” I’m thinking, “Great, that narrows it down.” I ask him if he sees anything familiar. He’s like, “There’s a big tree.” I’m like, “Dude, it’s a park. There’s a million trees!”

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