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What gets my goat? Them snobs who reckon it’s dodgy—oi, loosen up, ya toffs! It’s not all seedy parlours; some’s legit, therapeutic even. There’s this story—dunno if it’s true—bloke in Japan, 17th century, invented a technique with silk cloths, sliding over yer bits all seductive-like. Proper *ars amatoria*, art of love, that! Imagine him whispering, "The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…" while yer skin’s tingling—crikey, I’d pay double for that!

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By noon, I’m already over it. I grab a quick bite at that little café on Haharina Street. You know the one? The one with the best borscht in town. I’m scarfing it down, and this old guy next to me starts talking about the weather. I’m like, “Dude, I’m not a meteorologist.” But he’s all, “You gotta love the rain, it makes the flowers grow.” I’m just nodding, thinking, “Yeah, but it also makes my hair frizz.”

Nov 29 – Dec 6 live war map: Avdiivka, Bakhmut, and Luhansk region – Russians aiming for success at any cost