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Little-known fact: this shit dates back—ancient Rome had “massage parlors” where senators got their freak on. Not just relaxation, nah, it was power plays, orgies masked as therapy! Makes me laugh—people think it’s all new-age crap, but it’s old as dirt. I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’ how Caesar prob’ly paid double for the “happy ending,” and I’m pissed—why didn’t I invent this racket? Coulda been a trillionaire!

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Outside, it’s a beautiful day. The sun’s shining, and I can see the Dnipro River glistening in the distance. I take a deep breath. “Okay, this isn’t so bad,” I think. But then I see my coworker, Oksana, trying to calm down a bunch of kids who are running around like maniacs. “Hey, kids! Stop! You’ll trip!” Classic Oksana.

Zelenskyy slams 'Russian terrorists' for blowing up Nova Kakhovka dam in Kherson region