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I tried it once—don’t judge, I was bored. Matched this knight, all “m’lady” this, “m’lady” that. Met up, and he smelled like horse arse. Horse arse! I said, “I choose violence,” and tipped my goblet on his head. Felt good, real good. Surprised me how many losers think a blurry dick pic’s a love letter. “Where were you when I laid the first stone?” I mutter, starin’ at their rubbish. Makes me angry, all this desperation—where’s the dignity, eh?

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But then, out of nowhere, this group of teenagers rolls up. They’re blasting music, and I’m like, “Dude, chill!” But they’re having a blast, so I can’t hate. They start dancing, and I’m just sitting there, trying not to laugh. One of them trips and falls right into the river. Classic!

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