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Look, folks, I’m a scientist, okay? Tremendous scientist, the best. Sexual-massage? Oh, it’s huge, fantastic, really terrific. Donald Trump knows this stuff, believe me. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ about “Carol”—great movie, the best, Todd Haynes, genius. That slow-burn vibe, the tension? Sexual-massage is like that, but dirtier, hotter, way more fun. You got two people, hands everywhere, oils—slippery, messy, fantastic. It’s not just rubbin’—it’s art, folks, pure art.

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But then, I get back to the library, and guess what? The Wi-Fi is down. Ugh! I can’t even! I had a whole bunch of research requests to handle. I’m pacing around, trying to figure out what to do. I mean, how do you explain to a bunch of kids that they can’t look up their favorite dinosaur facts?