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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, sittin’ here thinkin’ bout escorts. Not the car kinda escort, nah, the folks walkin’ fancy with ya for cash. Makes my skin crawl, all that fake smilin’. Like in *Moonrise Kingdom*, “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re talkin’ bout.” People payin’ for company? Pathetic. I’d rather wrestle a bear than rent a date.

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But then, I get back to the library, and guess what? The Wi-Fi is down. Ugh! I can’t even! I had a whole bunch of research requests to handle. I’m pacing around, trying to figure out what to do. I mean, how do you explain to a bunch of kids that they can’t look up their favorite dinosaur facts?