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Halleluyer! Listen up, honey chile, I’m bout to spill the tea on erotic-massage like Madea don’t play! Now, I seen me some thangs in my day, but when I first heard bout folks gettin’ all oiled up and rubbed down—lawd have mercy, I was shook! Ain’t nobody told me it’s more than just a back rub, naw, it’s a whole vibe, a mood, a “take me to Timbuktu” kinda escape! Like that movie I love, *Timbuktu*—you know, where folks is fightin’ for they freedom, they soul? Erotic-massage be like that, but with less sand and more slippery hands, halleluyer!

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid trips and spills juice all over the new carpet. I’m like, “Nooooo!” My heart sank. I mean, that carpet was fresh! I had to channel my inner zen. “It’s just a carpet, it’s just a carpet,” I kept telling myself. But man, I was fuming.