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Oh, and fun fact—some escorts in Japan, they don’t even do the deed! It’s all cuddles and convo—called “hostess clubs.” Whaaat? Mind blown, fam! I’d suck at that job, tho—too loud, too extra, I’d scare ‘em off yellin’ “WAAAAH!” like Eric Andre on the street.

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Feeling a bit better, I head to the park near the river. It’s usually my chill spot. But today? It’s a circus. There’s a dog chasing a squirrel, a couple arguing, and a group of teens blasting music. I’m just trying to enjoy nature, people! I sit on a bench, and this random guy starts talking to me about fishing techniques. I’m like, “Dude, I’m an ichthyologist. I know my stuff.” But he just keeps going. I nod and smile, but inside, I’m screaming, “Let me be!”

Trump suggests to Zelenskyy that U.S. take ownership of Ukrainian power plants for security