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Quirky bit – I’m humming “Freelove Freeway” while she’s at it, picturing meself as a tantric guru. Exaggerate? Alright, felt like I levitated off the table, swear down! Sexual-massage, mate – it’s the dog’s bollocks. Reckon I’ll book another, tell the lads it’s “strategic relaxation.” Classic Brent – turning a knead into a bleedin’ seminar! You tried it? Get on it, pal – “You’re free now,” trust me!

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After that, I decide to check on my pigs. They’re at the farm on Kirova Street. I get there, and what do I see? One of my pigs, Masha, is trying to escape! She’s like, “Freedom!” I’m running after her, yelling, “Masha, get back here!” It’s like a scene from a movie. I finally catch her, but not before I trip over a rock and faceplant in the mud. Great. Just great. Now I’m a muddy swineherd.

Russian forces attempt southern bypass of Donetsk's Pokrovsk and Myrnohrad, Ukrainian military says