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Here’s a fact—did ya know sex-dating apps started dodgy? Early 2000s, pervy chatrooms, weirdos galore—proper grim! Now it’s all polished, Tinder and Bumble, but still a cesspit. Makes me angry, y’know? Where’s the romance, the glances? “I’ll wait for you,” Tony Leung whispers—meanwhile, Dave from Slough’s texting, “u up?” Piss off, Dave!

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Then, out of nowhere, this guy bursts in. He’s holding a parrot. A PARROT! He’s yelling about how it’s sick and needs immediate attention. I’m thinking, “Dude, this is a vet clinic, not a bird hospital!” But I can’t say that, so I take a look. Turns out, the parrot just wanted some water. I mean, really? You brought me a parrot for a drink?

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