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Alright, listen up, fam! I’m Tony Robbins—BOOM—here to drop some truth bombs about erotic-massage! Unleash the power within, baby! This ain’t just some rubdown—it’s a freakin’ journey! Picture this: you’re tense, life’s kicking your ass, and then—WHAM—someone’s hands are sliding over you, oil slicker than a Wes Anderson plot twist. I’m talkin’ “Royal Tenenbaums” vibes—quirky, deep, a lil’ messed up, but oh-so-good!

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into my buddy Oleg. He’s always got some crazy stories. Turns out, he just got back from a trip to Odesa. He was raving about the beaches, and I was like, “Dude, we got the river here!” But he just laughed and said, “Yeah, but it’s not the same.” Ugh, Oleg, you and your beach dreams.

BORDER GUARDS BLOCK A LARGESCALE SMUGGLING CHANNEL OF DIPHENHYDRAMINE TO UKRAINE