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So, check this—sex-dating’s wild, man! Apps buzzin’ like flies on a corpse, profiles promisin’ “fun” but deliverin’ headaches! I once matched with this chick—swore she was a model—turns out, she’s catfishin’ harder than a river rat! *giggles* “Where’s the boat?” I’d ask, like in *The Return*, ‘cept there’s no boat, just a sinkin’ feelin’! Made me mad as hell—wasted my night, ya dig? But then—bam!—another time, I hit gold! This dude, total freak, knew tricks that’d make a circus blush—left me happy as a clown on payday!

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Finally, I hang up, and I’m exhausted. I flop on my couch, thinking about dinner. I open the fridge, and it’s basically empty. I’m like, “Great, just great.” So, I order some takeout from that place on Kostiantynivska. They know me by name at this point. I’m basically a regular.

Russian Offensive Campaign Assessment, June 23