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Aight, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, loves a good tale, but erotic-massage? We hates it! Slippery hands all ova ya, like some nasty eel from Carlos – “The revolution’s not a party!” – yeah, no kiddin’, mate! Ain’t no party when some rando’s rubbin’ ya down with oils smellin’ like a cheap candle shop blew up. Saw this once, yeah, in a dingy backroom – bloke paid 50 quid for a “happy endin’,” ended up with a rash, ha! We laughed, precious, laughed ‘til me ribs hurt.

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First off, I head to the market on Haharina Street. You know, the one that’s always buzzing? I’m just trying to grab some fresh veggies for dinner. But nooo, of course, it’s packed! Like, where did all these people come from? I’m dodging babushkas left and right. They’re fierce, man. One almost took me out with her shopping bag. I’m like, “Chill, lady! I’m just here for some tomatoes!”

Ukraine war: Severodonetsk and Lysychansk are dead cities - Zelensky