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Here’s a lil’ somethin’—them fancy parlors got secrets. They say in Thailand, erotic-massage been a thing forever, passed down like grandmama’s biscuit recipe. Ain’t that wild? I’m over here hollerin’, “Halleluyer, gimme some of that!” ‘Cept I ain’t tellin’ my pastor—naw, he’d faint dead away. Me, though? I’m daydreamin’ ‘bout it, sippin’ sweet tea, thinkin’, “Maybe Madea need a lil’ jungle magic too!”

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. He’s like, “Where are you? We need those estimates!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a borscht crisis!” But I pull myself together. I rush back to the site, and guess what? The crew’s gone. They left! I’m standing there, alone, with a clipboard and a belly full of borscht.

Russian Offensive Campaign Assessment, October 21, 2024