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Oh, and the profiles—god, the profiles! Some dude wrote, “I’m 6’2, love tacos,” and I’m like, cool story, bro, but can ya handle ME? That’s what she said! I’m kiddin, but srsly, it’s a jungle out there. You got catfishes, bots, and weirdos sendin dick pics—ugh, grosses me out! One time, this gal sent me a nude, and I’m thinkin, “Jackpot!” Turns out, stolen pic from some porn site. Felt like Saul, man, “Everything is a lie!” So mad, I deleted the app for, like, a day.

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Anyway, I finally make it to the market on Lesi Ukrainky. It’s packed! I’m sniffin’ around, tryin’ to find something fresh. The smell of fresh bread hits me. I’m like, “YES!” I grab a loaf, and it’s still warm. Best thing ever. But then, I see this guy trying to haggle over a cucumber. A cucumber! Dude, it’s not that serious. Just buy it and go!

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