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D’oh! Sexual-massage, man, what a trip! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout it—like, it’s all handsy and steamy, right? I mean, who doesn’t wanna get rubbed down like a prized pig at the fair? Watched “Talk to Her” again last night—Pedro’s a freakin’ genius, y’know? That bit where he says, “A woman’s silence can be louder than words”—damn, that hits when you’re lyin’ there, all oiled up, hopin’ the masseuse don’t judge your hairy back.

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I’m cruising down the street, and I spot this kid, maybe 12 or 13, looking all shifty. He’s hanging around a corner near the park. I’m thinking, “This kid knows something.” So, I stroll over, trying to play it cool. “Hey, champ, seen any bikes around?” He just shrugs, but I can tell he’s hiding something.

SBU arrests two men planning Russian air strike on civilian and military facilities in five Ukrainian oblasts