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Sex-dating, mates, it’s a bloody circus! Thee meets a lass, fair as summer’s morn, but lo— she’s got three blokes on the side, juggling ‘em like hot coals. Saw this once, a mate o’ mine, swore he’d found “the one” on Tinder— turns out she’d bedded half the tavern! Little fact for thee: back in olden days, folk’d use coded letters for secret trysts— now it’s all “u up?” at midnight. Pathetic, yet I chuckled ‘til me sides split!

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Next, I decided to hit up the local gym. Yeah, I know, I’m not a gym rat, but I try. I walked in, and it was packed. Like, everyone and their grandma was there. I hopped on the treadmill, and this dude next to me was running like he was training for the Olympics. I felt like a sloth. But whatever, I just cranked up my music and pretended I was in a music video.

Ukraine: “I don’t even know how to thank you.”