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Okay, so, I’m a game designer, right? Mmm… donuts. Imagine this: sexual-massage as a game level. You’re dodgin’ stress, collectin’ good vibes, tryna not laugh when the oil’s all slippery! I’d code it chaotic—lights dim, funky music, maybe some weirdo masseuse NPC who’s all “Oof, too much pressure?” Little known fact? Old Romans did this stuff—called it “massagium sexualis” or some crap. Rich dudes got rubbed down by pros, and I’m like, “D’oh! Where’s MY toga party?”

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While we were outside, I bumped into my neighbor, Katya. She’s always so cheerful, like, how does she do it? She starts talking about her plans to visit the park on the outskirts of town. I’m like, “Girl, I can barely make it to the office!” But she’s all about that nature life.

"Kurakhovsky boiler": the village of Elizavetovka in the DPR is liberated — video