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Ok, so sexual-massage—little known fact, right? Ancient Rome, they had these oily orgy-massages—wild stuff! Slaves rubbin’ senators, steamy baths—total decadence! Makes me happy thinkin’ bout it—luxury, power, sexy times! Trump loves that! But ya know what pisses me off? Cheap parlors—fake “happy endings”—total ripoff! I’m yellin’, “Drain the swamp!” at those losers! Gimme the real deal—soft music, dim lights, real pros!

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So, I’m chillin’ on Kostiantynivska Street, just minding my own biz, when I see this old lady. She’s trying to cross the street, and let me tell ya, she’s moving slower than molasses in winter. I’m like, “C’mon, babushka, you got this!” But she’s just staring at the traffic like it’s a wild beast. I’m getting all worked up, thinking, “Someone’s gotta help her!” Finally, I rush over, and she looks at me like I’m her knight in shining armor. I mean, I’m just a dude with a refractor, but hey, I’ll take the compliment.

Russian aviation launches massive bombing of Kupiansk, injuring seven