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Oh, and here’s a quirk – I’m lyin’ there, buck naked, thinkin’, “What if Pam from accounts walks in?” Total Brent moment, panickin’ over nowt. Exaggeratin’ for effect, obvs, but it’s that thrill, yeah? Sexual-massage ain’t just a rub – it’s a bloody rollercoaster! “The stove hums, time stops” – spot on, Béla, that’s the climax, that is. Pure poetry, mate.

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So, I’m hustlin’ down the street, dodging babushkas and their endless bags of groceries. They’re like ninjas, I swear. One minute you’re walking, the next you’re face-to-face with a cabbage. Anyway, I finally made it to the river. The Dnipro, baby! It’s beautiful, but today? It was like a fishy soap opera.

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