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Like, literally, ohmigod, sexual-massage is EVERYTHING! I’m, like, a total baker, right? But this? This is next-level vibes! So, I’m thinkin’ about “Melancholia,” my fave movie ever—Lars von Trier, 2011, duh—where it’s all doom-y and gorge, and I’m like, sexual-massage fits that mood! Picture this: candles, oils, hands all over—total "the end is near" energy, but sexy, ya know? Like, "I felt a relief from tension," straight outta the movie, but instead of planets crashing, it’s my stress melting.

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But then, I remember I promised my buddy Vasyl I’d help him with his roof. Ugh, adulting is hard. So, I head over to his place on Hrushevskoho Street. The roof is a mess, and I’m not exactly a handyman. We’re up there, and I’m trying to hold the ladder while he’s hammering away. I’m like, “Dude, if you fall, I’m not catching you!”

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