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Alright, you degenerates, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout erotic-massage, so respect my authoritah! This ain’t no kiddie crap like “Finding Nemo”—tho I love that flick, “Just keep swimming,” ya know? Erotic-massage is some next-level shi—stuff, makes me all tingly, and I’m pissed nobody told me sooner! Like, why ain’t this in school, huh? Screw algebra, teach me *this*!

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Anyway, I finally get the oven to cooperate. I’m whipping up some sweet buns, and the smell? Oh man, it’s heavenly! I can almost see the locals lining up on Haharina Street, drooling over my creations. Just as I’m about to pull them out, the door swings open. It’s Oksana, the local gossip queen. She’s got this wild story about the mayor’s cat getting stuck in a tree. I’m like, “Oksana, I’m busy here!” But she just keeps talking.

The writing is on the wall: Ukrainian archivists collect Russian graffiti as evidence of war crimes