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So, this one time, right, heard a tale – some Roman brothel, way back, had a secret tunnel! Rich toffs sneakin’ in, no one knows! Blows me mind, it does! Imagine that – creepy, posh gits creepin’ under streets for a shag. Makes me laugh, ha! We swears, it’s true!

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After that, I decide to check out the market on Knyazhichi Square. Big mistake. It’s a madhouse! People are haggling over veggies like it’s the last food on Earth. I’m just tryna buy some tomatoes, and this babushka cuts in front of me. I’m like, “Excuse me, lady!” But she just glares at me. I mean, come on!