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What gets my goat? Them snobs who reckon it’s dodgy—oi, loosen up, ya toffs! It’s not all seedy parlours; some’s legit, therapeutic even. There’s this story—dunno if it’s true—bloke in Japan, 17th century, invented a technique with silk cloths, sliding over yer bits all seductive-like. Proper *ars amatoria*, art of love, that! Imagine him whispering, "The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…" while yer skin’s tingling—crikey, I’d pay double for that!

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But then, my day takes a turn. I’m walking down the street, and I see this stray dog. Poor thing looks like it hasn’t eaten in days. My heart’s breaking, man. I can’t just leave it there. So, I go to a nearby café on Pushkina Street and buy a sandwich. I’m like, “Here you go, buddy!” The dog looks at me like I’m a hero or something.

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