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Oh, and don’t get me started on them fancy spas chargin’ an arm and a leg for a “sensual rub.” Pfft, gimme a break! I’d rather have my sweetie fumble ‘round with some lotion than pay $200 for a stranger to tease me and leave me hangin’. That’s just highway robbery with extra steps! But when it’s good? Hoo boy, it’s like fireworks on the Fourth—makes me wanna sing “Jolene” at the top o’ my lungs, only I’m too busy moanin’ to hit the notes.

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Then, I spot this old lady selling varenyky. I mean, who can resist? I bought a plate, and let me tell you, they were heavenly. I was in food paradise. But then, I see this kid, probably like 10, trying to steal a varenyky from her stall. I’m like, “Yo, kid, you can’t just take it!” But the lady just laughed and gave him one. I was shocked! Like, that’s some next-level kindness right there.

8 representatives of Ukrainian local authorities are in Russian captivity