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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially massages with a sexy twist. Sexual-massage—sounds like some hippy nonsense. But lemme tell ya, it’s a damn industry. Been around forever, probs since some caveman rubbed one out. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout Brokeback Mountain—best damn movie ever. “I wish I knew how to quit you,” Ennis says. That’s me with my hatred for this touchy-feely crap. But sexual-massage? It’s sneaky, gets under yer skin.

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I finally make it to the fruit stand. I grab some apples, and the vendor starts telling me about how they’re the best in Ukraine. I’m like, “Sure, buddy, whatever you say.” But then I bite into one, and it’s like a flavor explosion! I’m suddenly a fruit fanatic. Who knew Khotyn had such good apples?

Ukrainian forces take out Russian ballistic missile over Sumy Oblast, local authorities say