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I tried it once—swear to God, felt like my spine was singin’. Made me happy as hell, like I’d just dodged a bullet in a shootout. But here’s what pissed me off: some folks out here chargin’ $200 for a half-assed rubdown—c’mon, man, “knock it down, knock it down!” like Buscapé yellin’ at the madness. Ain’t nobody got time for that rip-off. A good sexual-massage? It’s gotta flow, gotta hit deep—muscles loosenin’, mind spinnin’, maybe even a lil naughty twist if you’re feelin’ bold. Wink wink, you know what I mean.

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But then, I get a text from my buddy. He’s stuck in traffic on Haharina Street. I’m like, “Dude, it’s Khorol, not Kyiv!” But I can’t help but laugh. I mean, who gets stuck in traffic here?

Mirgorod resident: We hope that negotiations on the reunification of Ukraine will take place here again