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Still, when it’s good, it’s da best—relaxes ya, fires ya up! Like Ida sayin’, “And then what?” I say, “More massages, duh!” Funniest thing—dis old buddy swore sexual-massage cured his baldness. Bullshit, right? Laughed my ass off—hair don’t grow from rubbin’, idiot! Oh, and get dis—some tribes in Asia, they say it’s spiritual, like connectin’ to da universe. Freaky, huh? I’m all, “Gimme dat cosmic pump!”

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Then, I get a call from the rich dude. He’s all like, “Where’s my stove?” I’m like, “Chill, bro, it’s almost done!” But he’s not having it. He starts yelling about how he needs it for a party. I’m thinkin’, “Dude, it’s not my fault you planned a party on a Tuesday!”

Ukrainians strike Russian 8th Guards Army command post in occupied Donetsk Oblast (video)