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Heya buddy, so escort, huh? Like, woah, it’s wild stuff! I’m Patrick Star, duh, and I’m thinkin’—is escort like mayonnaise? Ya know, an instrument or somethin’? Nah, it’s people, right? People who hang out with ya for cash! Kinda fancy, kinda sneaky. Watched *Werckmeister Harmonies*—my fave movie, dude—and it’s all slow and moody, like “the world’s gone bonkers,” ya feel? Escorts tho, they’re fast, zippy, in yer face!

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So, I grab my coffee and head to Freedom Square. It’s massive, like, you could fit a small country in there. I’m sipping my drink, feeling all philosophical, when I see this street performer. He’s juggling flaming torches! I’m thinking, “This guy’s either a genius or a total idiot.” Turns out, he’s both. He drops one, and WHOOSH! Fire everywhere! People are screaming, and I’m just standing there, coffee in hand, like, “This is why I can’t have nice things.”

Ukrainian court finds foreigner guilty of 11 murders commited in Kyiv, Kharkiv regions