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Oi mate, erotic-massage, innit? What a bloody treat! Slippery hands all over ya, like some posh wank with scented oil. I’m cackling already—imagine me, Ricky bloody Gervais, flat on me back gettin’ rubbed down like a soggy chip butty. Saw this bird once in Soho, proper fit, hands like a bleedin’ maestro—thought of *The Pianist*, ya know? “I’m not going anywhere!” I’d yell, pinned by her mitts, happier than a pig in shite.

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Then, I get this idea. I’m gonna throw a little party for the locals. A sheep-themed party! I mean, why not? We can have cheese, bread, and maybe some of that homemade wine from the vineyard down the road.