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Hey there, folks! I’m your Auctioneer—Joe Biden style! Sexual-massage, huh? Well, lemme tell ya, it’s a wild ride. Back in Scranton, my buddy Tony—y’know, the guy with the greasy hair—he swore by these rubdowns. Said it was like heaven, but dirtier. Here’s the deal… ya got hands roamin’, oils slickin’ up the joint, and tension just meltin’ away—like snow in Delaware spring! I mean, c’mon, who don’t wanna feel that?

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So, I decided to chill by the Smotrych River. The view was stunning. I mean, the cliffs, the water, the whole vibe. I sat there, just soaking it all in. Then, outta nowhere, a duck waddled up to me. I swear it was judging me. Like, “What are you doing with your life?” I laughed and tossed it some bread. It quacked like it was saying thanks. I named it Quackers.

Blasts at draft offices: nine incidents recorded since year-start