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Here’s a mad fact—did ya know them ancient Greeks were at it? Called it “anatripsis”—fancy word for gettin’ frisky with oil. Bet they didn’t have them dodgy neon signs like today’s parlours. “Massage here, wink wink!” Makes me wanna puke, but also laugh—capitalism, innit? I tried it once, right? Some bird in a basement, smelled like lavender and regret. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m thinkin’, “This is fuckin’ weird!” But—surprise, surprise—it weren’t half bad. Got me all loose, like I could take on the world, or at least a nap.

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But then, I see this guy on the other side of the park. He’s yelling at his girlfriend. Like, dude, chill! It’s just a date! I’m thinking, “Man, if you can’t handle a date, how you gonna handle a marriage?”

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