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I’m ranting now—naturally—‘cause it’s me! Sexual-massage can be art, I swear. The way they move, it’s like choreography—slow, deliberate, teasin’. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is my G-d-given right!” Like Larry Gopnik in the movie, y’know? “I didn’t do anything!”—but I’m lovin’ every second. Once, this gal—pro, total pro—uses some hot stone trick. I’m meltin’, thinkin’, “I’m a king, a freakin’ king!” But then—ugh—she starts chattin’. Lady, no! Silence is golden, not your life story!

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this old, rusty bike frame at the bottom. I’m like, “What the heck?” I swim down to check it out. It’s all covered in algae and stuff. I pull it up, and the kids are going wild! They think I’m some kind of treasure hunter. I’m just like, “Nah, just a diver with a knack for finding junk.”

10 torture sites in 1 town: Russia sowed pain, fear in Izium