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Anyways, she’s slidin’ her hands all slow-like, and I’m thinkin’, “This is too good, Marge, too good!” Kinda reminded me of that scene where Gustave goes, “You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse!”—’cept it’s me, feelin’ civilized with every slippery touch. I was HAPPY, like, floatin’ on a cloud happy. But then—ugh, get this—she cranked the heat too high! My skin’s redder than Homer’s butt after eatin’ chili, and I’m all, “Lady, I’m not a freakin’ lobster!” Made me so mad I coulda screamed, “Hmm… turn it down, ya nitwit!”

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After that, I headed down to the river. The Siverskyi Donets, you know? It’s got this vibe, man. The water was glistening, and I was pumped. But then, bam! I see this group of kids messing around on the bank. They were throwing rocks, and I’m like, “Dude, chill! You’re gonna hit someone!” But they just laughed. Kids, right?

'We tried not to watch' - escapees recount terror of Russian-occupied Izyum