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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—yep, the witty dwarf who drinks and knows things. So, here I am, your bloody Mountain Guide, trudging through peaks and valleys, and you wanna talk sexual-massage? Ha! I’ve seen weirder shit atop these cliffs, trust me. Picture this: sweaty hands, oiled-up backs, and me sipping wine, judging it all. Reminds me of *Far From Heaven*—you know, my fave flick, Todd Haynes, 2002. That line, “I’m going to have a party,” hits different when you’re kneading someone’s arse, right?

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First off, I’m cruising down Shevchenka Street, thinking about my estimates for that new construction project. You know, the one by the river? Yeah, that one. I’m all pumped, ready to impress the boss. But then, BAM! Traffic jam. Like, what even? I’m stuck behind this old Lada that’s coughing like it’s got a lung infection. I’m losing my mind. I mean, c’mon, it’s 2023! Get a new ride, dude!

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