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I’m sweatin’ just thinkin’ ‘bout it—respect my authoritah, I deserve this! Makes me wanna yell, “I’m not fat, I’m festive!” ‘Cause after one, I’d be bouncin’ around happy as a clam! Clams don’t get massages, tho—sad! Anyway, it’s chill, it’s wild, it’s like swimmin’ with Nemo’s dad, but dirtier. You gotta try it, or you’re a loser, period! Seriouslah, don’t be a Kyle—get rubbed down!

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I start asking around. The locals are all gathered outside, whispering. I overhear some old dude say, “It’s the work of the devil!” I roll my eyes. Classic Ichnia gossip. But then, a kid runs up to me. He’s like, “I saw a guy! He had a black hoodie!” I’m thinkin’, great, a lead!

Commandoes penetrated Ukraine's biggest ammo dumps at anti-sabotage drills last summer, simulated their destruction, - journalist. PHOTO