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About Lviv

So, erotic-massage – it’s like a corporate team-buildin’ exercise, but with less flipcharts and more… ooh la la! You’re layin’ there, right, candles flickerin’, some bird or bloke’s hands all oily, slidin’ over ya like they’re prospectin’ for gold. “I drink your milkshake!” – yeah, they’re slurpin’ up all yer tension, mate, leavin’ ya proper zen. Made me happy as a pig in muck, I tell ya – first time I had one, I was gobsmacked, like, “Where’s this been all me life?”

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After that, I decide to chill at the park by the river. You know, the one with the big willow trees? It’s my go-to spot. I plop down on a bench, and this kid runs by, trippin’ over his own feet. I can’t help but laugh. Kids are hilarious. But then, his mom comes over, all frantic. “Are you okay, my little hero?” she says. I’m like, “Hero? He just face-planted!”

Canonization of St John the “Barefooted” in Kiev