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But damn, the fakes! Catfish everywhere, drivin’ me nuts. One time, matched with “Olga,” hot as hell—turns out, some dude named Boris. Laughed my ass off, then blocked him. “The intel’s only as good as the source”—fuckin’ right, Kathryn Bigelow knew it. Sex-dating’s risky, gotta vet ‘em hard. I’m picky, too—no smokers, no vegans, gimme a girl who eats borscht and moans my name.

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After that, I head over to the market on Haharina Street. It’s packed! I’m dodging people left and right. I spot this old lady selling the juiciest tomatoes. I’m talking, like, the kind that makes your mouth water. I grab a few, and she’s like, “You’ll make a good salad!” I’m like, “Lady, I can barely make toast.” We both laugh, and I feel good.