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Oh, and the oil? Slippery as hell – almost fell off the damn table once! Laughed my ass off, tho, ‘cause it was like a freakin’ cartoon. “The centuries roll on,” they say in the movie, and I’m thinkin’, yeah, centuries of dudes prolly slippin’ off massage tables too! Ain’t no shame, just pure, greasy bliss. Y’all should try it – beats hammerin’ nails all day, I’ll tell ya that! Respect my freakin’ authoritah on this, ‘kay? Seriouslah!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring! I mean, like, monsoon level. I’m soaked in seconds. I duck into a shop on Kostiantynivska Street. It’s a tiny place, but they’ve got the best pastries. I grab a napkin and try to dry off, but it’s a lost cause. I buy a pastry, and it’s so good, I forget about the rain.