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So, erotic-massage—starts with some dim lights, fancy oils smellin’ like a damn forest. Lady’s hands all over ya, slippin’ and slidin’. Supposed to relax ya, but I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “This is how ya end up in a trap.” Like Oh Dae-su, locked up, no clue what’s next. I hate it—too close, too sweaty. Gimme a steak and whiskey instead. Fun fact: ancient Greeks did this crap, called it “anatripsis.” Rich bastards gettin’ rubbed down while I’d be choppin’ wood.

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First off, I hit up the market on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one where all the babushkas sell their homemade goodies? I’m just tryna grab some fresh bread for my lunch. But nooo, the line is longer than my grandma’s stories. I’m standing there, tapping my foot, thinking, “C’mon, ladies, I got stoves to make!” Finally, I get my bread, but guess what? It’s stale. Like, how do you mess up bread? I’m fuming, but whatever, I’ll just toast it later.

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